“There is a crack in everything that’s how the light gets in”
It is a fascinating spectacle to see how the old patterns of thoughts, beliefs, conditioned programs are becoming more and more obsolete, since consciousness has entered our lives and began to spread in this way. Our true, authentic, unvarnished nature begins to shine through the layers of old fears, worries, judgements, projections and this alone fills us with such joy and peace. In the end we laugh over the years full of efforts, insecurity and suffering that are gradually being left behind like old dust.
It is true for me that the beauty of life without too much mental noise and identification with the personal life story is revealed more and more clearly the more consciousness is incorporated into it.
Yet there will definitely be events in our lives that will put this joy and peace to the test. I myself have been exposed to such events not so long ago, where the freshness and beauty (thank to years spent in silence full of love for the awareness ) that I have fully recognized to be my true self, seemed to get a deep crack.
I couldn’t believe that I could have acted so ignorant years after awakening. That I could feel such a separation between myself and the others, between me and life. Reactive behavior, dominance of psychological thinking and spinning stories seemed to take possession of this form again. But something deep down in me knew that this was a test and no matter how many stupid things this test will cost me, I have to learn from it.
Learning about being human, learning about fear, anger, loneliness, the inner child, the cultural crippling, the programming that, in difficult situations, urges us to react automatically instead of responding attentively. Moreover – instead of trusting awareness and life itself, the speculative mind finds always its way to interpret what is happening and it suggests solutions. The mind and ego want to protect us from the “bad” others who “intentionally” hurt us, and so all weapons known to us until now, are needed and can be used in order to avoid or to revenge the hurt, to assert our rights or to get what we think we are entitled to. As a consequence we push back, flee, attack, become angry, unfair, vindictive… All this because we suddenly lock ourselves up in a story about what wronged us and cannot see much more than this story.
And yet, years of awareness-work have changed too much in this organism, so that such incarceration can last forever. The more awareness the more intolerable the personal drama becomes. We actually see through the drama, even while it is happening. We see the inconsistence of our interpretations, and what is more important – we see the beauty of the sky and hear the birds chirping even in the darkest moments.
We have become too fond of the gifts of conscious life to hold too long on to a one-sided interpretations of the events that hurt us. We just cannot go on like this, fighting, hating, blaming, condemning, ignoring, and even if we feel and are hurt by others, we also are able to feel their pain at the same time. The black and white of our speculations just doesn’t seem so convincing anymore, and in the end we just want reconciliation and peace for everyone, and also for the one who supposedly could get us so mad.
The gained and believed to be lost inner knowing of the unity and oneness with everyone and everything comes back and nothing seems more reasonable and appropriate to us than the mutual reconciliation, if this is possible. And it was luckily possible in my case, which fills my heart with enormous joy and gratitude. If it is not possible, we will go ahead anyway and be careful not to succumb to the ignorance of our minds so easily again.
The fact is that, with becoming more and more aware, hardly anything causes us more pain than inflicting pain on the others.
When life hurts life, it hurts itself.
This is a tremendous insight that comes from awareness alone. Awareness, which replaces ordinary conditioning with the moral of good and bad at the top. Awareness of the unity and oneness from where we can feel the pain, we inflict on others in our ignorance. And this awareness becomes our refuge and our true nature the more we let it. How poor a substitute our culture, moral, social norms and rules are compared to such an uniting and loving power?
It gradually will transform the masked and armored person, we were thinking we are, to the being and individual we really are. The masks and armors fall away, the fears, concerns, blaming and storying become meaningless, we open up to each experience, also to those very uncomfortable, which we know will show us the obstacles to life in awareness. Obstacles that, seem to come from old collective programming and/or childhood conditioning, like old wounds, fears, which we have to understand and embrace instead of blaming others. Otherwise they become to hidden mechanisms operating reactively each time someone seems to have stepped on our toes. Eckhart Tolle writes a talks a lot to make the hidden mechanisms visible, he calls this phenomenon “pain body”.
And when it comes to me, the pain body is transformed so slowly, all this through the power of awareness and observation. I simply wish the truth more than to be right, more than to get what we want, more than being loved, or respected, or secure, or not hurt, or understood.
And so, in the face of difficult life tests – if we look for protection, guidance and advice in awareness rather than in our minds, we will get it. The mind will never give us such protection, advice and guidance. It says a lot, its snake tongue is split, its advice contradictory and finally we end up, as always, in the cul-de-sac of our own speculative mind. The only thing we get from it is more pain, frustration, alienation and suffering besides short-time satisfaction and pleasure.
Therefore I prefer to listen to the silence of consciousness, and live in the now instead of spending and wasting too much time in the past and in the future, in speculations and excuse-makings.
And I have to say, that I see the fruits of this attitude towards life every single day. Maybe not always the fruits that my mind would wish to harvest, but as I said, the mind says a lot and wishes a lot, not necessary what is really good for us in the long run.
The secret is not to believe the mind and instead to live the way life unfolds. Come whatever it may.
Allowing myself to be led by life instead of mind is the only way for me to experience myself as authentically as I really am, without the unnecessary psychological make-up, without the sticky-dusty layers that were once imposed on me, in my childhood and adolescence, at home and at school. Living without is much easier, more carefree, you can see more clearly and be more responsibly.
Maybe someone understands now why I sing so much about awareness? How could it be any different?